I’m finally home. My trip to California wasn’t very long, but it felt long enough. I’m someone who values routine: I prefer my own food, my own bed, and working out on my schedule. Traveling for work and visiting friends makes those comforts harder to maintain.
In case you didn’t hear, I’m working on a project in California for a few months. The trip was productive and rewarding, but I definitely overindulged — I ate far more than usual. By the last day, food started to taste bland and even made me feel down. That’s my cue that I’ve gone too far. I run a food blog, so getting sick of food is unusual for me. When meals stop bringing enjoyment and start affecting my mood, it’s time to slow down.
I’ve been wrestling with this lately. Growing up, I dealt with many body-image issues and eating disorders. Discovering CrossFit and the paleo lifestyle helped me regain balance for a while. But as my training shifted — mixing spinning, running, and occasional heavy CrossFit sessions — my body changed again. Some changes I welcome; others I don’t. It feels like my body is always in flux and never settles into a comfortable place. I’m trying to find balance.
But is this about my body, or about me struggling to find that balance?
No matter my size or shape, I catch myself constantly scrutinizing the mirror and feeling intense dislike for what I see. That level of self-criticism is jarring — it’s the kind of judgment I would never direct at someone else. So I ask myself: am I chasing an ideal that doesn’t exist? Do I always want more because that’s human nature, or am I alone in obsessing this much? I try to keep those thoughts to myself because I know they can be upsetting to others, yet bottling them up only makes them grow.
It’s reached the point where I need to get it out.
Sometimes it feels like I latch onto self-pity or find something to complain about. Why do I do that? Is it immaturity, youth, insecurity, or all of the above? I don’t have a clear answer, and honestly, no one else can tell me for certain — not a therapist, friend, or partner. The responsibility to figure it out falls on me.
Here’s what I do know: I refuse to let food or exercise become my enemies again. Both have, at times, crossed into negative territory in my life, and I won’t allow that to happen anymore. These are two of my greatest joys and have given me more happiness than I expected. Only I can change how I view myself. Only I can stand in front of the mirror and cultivate a kinder, more positive attitude toward the person I see.
That’s it for now. I’ll step down from my soapbox.
Do I seem like I’m on the verge of that time of the month? You’d think so, right? I wish I had that simple excuse.
Thanks for listening. You’re honestly one of my favorites — whoever you are.